Seeing all the adorable little league kids in my town prepare for the season, reminded me of a quirky story from my youth!
When I was 9-12 years old, I loved baseball. I would play catch with myself all day, bouncing tennis balls off the garage door, pretending I was Tug McGraw pitching in the final game of the World Series. I would read books about baseball players whenever it was library day in elementary school. I would memorize statistics like the combination to a locker full of money. I was hooked on baseball, but … there is always a “but”, because there is always a “but” to every passion we pursue.
I was hooked on baseball, but I was clumsy, awkward, and overweight. I was a chubby American kid living on potato chips and Twinkies that I would trade from doing others homework. It was my junk-food-for-homework program. My family was poorer than most around us. My father had work as a mechanic. My mother would watch children in our house for twelve to sixteen hours a day to make ends meet. So, when I approached them about playing on a league team, they thought it would be too expensive. They only wanted to pursue this expenditure if I didn’t quit. “Maybe you should wait until next year!” they would say.
Every day, I would watch out the front window of our house as the other boys from my neighborhood would ride their BMX bicycles to baseball practice clad in the bright red jersey of the Mighty Salvador Mustangs. By fourth grade, I’d had enough and was determined to ask my father again. This time he responded, I would love for you to play on a team, but how would you get yourself to practice, gas is expensive and you do not have a bicycle. Besides, it was already too late to sign up to play on the Mighty Salvador Mustangs; they were the best team around. So, I kept bouncing tennis balls off the garage and practicing my Willy Mays over the shoulder catch.
In the summer following fourth grade my father came home from work early with a package. He locked it in the garage and I was forbidden to look at it until Christmas. Suddenly my life had new purpose; I had to find out what was in the box. To make a long story short, after weeks of parental imposed restriction and yard clean up for breaking into the garage…that Christmas I found out it was a bicycle.
By fifth grade, I had my own newspaper route in the morning before school, so I told my parents I could pay the league fees myself and wanted them sign me up to play on the Mighty Salvador Mustangs. They agreed to sign me up, BUT. But, because we lived between districts and because we signed up late, I would have to play for the rival team across town. The roaring El Centro Tigers, who’s colors by the way were lemon yellow and finished in last place every year. I said fine.
Now, what I haven’t yet discussed is the bicycle I had received for Christmas. It was “highway emergency cone” orange. It had a banana seat and decals that said “Dirt Buster #7″ Not cool, in a world a BMX dirt bike riding Mustangs. Luckily, most of the bike was covered in newspapers bags when I was delivering papers, but on the days of our game we were required to wear our team jersey to school. I would climb onto the banana seat in my lemon yellow Tigers jersey and ride across the neighborhood to practice. I would ride as fast as I could, but never failed to encounter a few Red Sox on the way. I guess this is what one might call, character building.
Past the chants and hollers of “Tigers Suck Green Donkey Dicks”, I would ride. I never understood why “green” donkey dicks were always such popular insults? I mean aren’t donkey dicks alone bad enough?
Occasionally- I would get pelted with rocks, sticks, or Slurpees®.
One such Slurpee incident required my mom to bleach my jersey, which made it even brighter yellow.
After two losing seasons, I decided to paint my bike and take off the decals in hopes to blend in more. I took it into the garage, where my father kept the spray paint and I just started painting it. I had never painted anything before and soon realized that it was going to be quite messy. After seeing the disarray I made, I decided to hide the bike under the junk pile on the side of the house. I knew my dad would freak out if he had seen what had become of my transportation.
A couple summer months went by and my dad seemed to believe that the bike was stolen.
I rode my mom’s three-speed for my paper route and to practices. It was not much of an improvement in the “cool department”, but it was better that walking.
Seeing my plight, my father agreed to buy me a ten-speed for my birthday at the end of July on the condition that I had good behavior.
One early Saturday, I heard my dad say to my mom, “Time to go to the dump and get rid of the junk pile on the side of the house.”
From my usual Saturday morning cartoon watching spot, I began to panic…I knew I had to do something! I didn’t know what?
Then it came to me. Put the bike over the back fence into the empty field behind our house.
I would need time. Luckily, my father had just gone into the bathroom. This morning ritual usually gave me about twenty minutes! He would usually light a cigarette and read the paper as he sat there. The bathroom window was within view of the back yard.
What if he sees me hurl the bike over the fence?
So I devised my plan.
First, I would need a Polaroid® camera.
I got to work. I walked passed my mother and told her I was going to help dad get the junk pile ready to load. I snuck into her desk area where she kept the instant camera, snatched it and went outside.
I walked around to my Dad’s bathroom window and began taking snap shots of him on the toilet through the window. He immediately closed the curtain and began to yell at me. Now, I had successfully blocked his view of the fence from the bathroom.
As I came through, the front door my mother immediately confiscated the camera and told me to get to work. I sheepishly grinned and got to work on the second half of my plan.
I had taken three pictures that were starting to develop. I taped one to my bedroom door, one to my Dad’s bedroom door, and one to the sliding glass door leading outside. All three places my Dad would have to pass to get outside to the fence area where I planned to ditch the bike. As he passed I’m sure he would start a commotion that would let me know how close he was to the back fence.
Upon hearing the first shout from his bedroom, I had managed to get the bike to the back fence.
The second shout came as he approached my room where he found picture #2 of himself upon the throne!
This is where the snag in my plan occurred. The bike got stuck as on top of the fence, perched upright as if to ride along the top boards, the pedals still drip-stained with paint, wedging perfectly between the planks. I had only a minute before he was to find it!
I.E. I had a minute before I was “dead”.
Then it came to me. Like a light bulb over my head, a brilliantly mischievous deceptive idea, innate to every young boy.
I ran back to the junk pile and grabbed an old red spray can and painted on the fence.
“Tigers Suck…Red Sox Rule!”
I could hear my dad yell as he approached the glass door!
I tossed the spray can over the fence just as he turned the corner.
What the hell is going on?
Then he noticed the bike. What is this? Those rotten kids, he exclaimed!
Forgetting about the three Polaroid’s in his hand for a minute.
Then I chimed in with a straight faced lie, “Dad I had brought Mom’s camera out to take pictures of what the Red Sox had done to my lost bike, the camera didn’t work in the sunlight…so I took some pictures through your window to see if it would work. Then, I realized those were the last three pictures in the roll.
By the time, the pictures developed, I saw that you were in the bathroom, so I taped them to the doors to lead you here!”
Still dumbfounded and a bit unnerved, my dad called for my Mom and told me to start loading up the truck to haul the trash.
As I moved things into the truck, I could hear my Dad telling my Mom. This makes me so mad. How could those neighbor kids be so mean?
After the dump run, my dad took me to buy a new Schwinn® ten-speed, a new pair of cleats, and a new baseball bat. I was speechless. There was no way on Earth I was going to tell him that it was me who vandalized my own bike.
That next year, the Tigers made the playoffs and finally beat our Red Sox rivals.
I eventually told him the truth…long after I was grown.
He just shook his head from ear to ear.
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